Lyndon Hood - Most outdated yet, Wellington

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Oh hey. I wrote some things this year...

March: From The Hood : Unofficial Cabinet Manuals

“You, of course, are wronged.

It is unfair. Promoting New Zealand enterprise is the government’s job. Yet suddenly speaking favourably of a company’s product is wrong. Just because your husband happens to be a director.

As if he could possibly get any benefit from that. As if any benefit he could get from that could match that supreme joy of being chosen as your life-mate. More>>

April: From The Hood : Fol-De-Royal

On Monday, the royals landed in New Zealand. Stepping out of the plane, the Duke of Cambridge was resplendent in his red Catherine Walker coat and matching pillbox hat by Gina Foster. He was also wearing a diamond and platinum silver fern brooch, on loan from the Queen. Baby George won the heart of the nation by exhibiting his impression of a disappointed Winston Churchill. More>>

Werewolf: From The Hood : Finding A Happy Media

I’m still not sure why the PM never engages – whether it really is because of the bottom feeders and trolls, or because he doesn’t want the Internet to see him acting like he does in Question Time, or because he hasn’t worked out how to charge twenty dollars per response on behalf of the National Party. But it struck me he must have a huge backlog, which doesn’t seem right. In New Zealand we’re proud of how accessible our politicians are.

So I thought I should have a go at answering them. I am doing this in John Key’s capacity as Prime Minister. I figured that what with all those fundraisers where he’s not in his capacity as Prime Minister, he wouldn’t mind me borrowing it for a bit. In that spirit, let’s clear up some of those unanswered questions. I thought I’d start with some of mine. More>>

Labels: , , , ,

Lyndon Hood, been busy abbreviating Shakespeare, Wellington

Monday, November 18, 2013

Oh hey, I did not blog this yet. Come on with those clicks.

Werewolf: The Masque Of The Blue Line

It was a good party, up to a point.

The trouble started with the idea of seeing whose costume was scariest. We decided to hold a competition: a series of one-on-one eliminations ending with one super-scary winner. Like with the Act Party.


Labels: , , , , , ,

Lyndon Hood - Lyndone Hoode, Wellington

Friday, October 04, 2013

werewolf » From The Hood : Pure Petroleume

Lorde parody, based on a general idea which must be among the three most obvious Royals parody ideas (done at least once). But turned out to be good timing, what with yesterday's news.

Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Lyndon Hood - armchair satirist, Wellington

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

From The Hood: Armchairs At Dawn

“Wastage!” – Granger spoke the word like a man who was settling the argument once and for all. Interesting because, far from arguing with him, I had hardly sat down and opened my newspaper. To tell the truth I hadn’t noticed he was awake. More>>

From Werewolf 42, an Aussie election special.

By the way the image there is something Gordon found on the Internet, and is no relation.

Also: come see me in The Young and the WITless 7: Small Town, Big Hearts. We're at the new Fringe Bar every Wednesday. Except for the one that's at Bats.

Labels: , , , ,

Lyndon Hood - holidayed, Wellington

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Werewolf » From The Hood : Ars Tonga, Vita Brevis

From the new Werewolf. The end of the column is probably more satirey, now I look at it.

Labels: , , , , ,

Lyndon Hood - Focault's Panoptician, Wellington

Monday, July 08, 2013

The One True Submission On The GCSB Bills


1. The following is my oral submission on the GCSB and Related Legislation Amendment Bill and Telecommunications Interception Capability and Security Bill.

2. It would be my written submission but they will NOT LET ME HAVE A PEN which is COMPLETELY UNFAIR as it was just that one time and I am feeling much better now.

3. They also will not let me out for the committee hearing but I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!

4. I am currently employed as a legal advisor to various state security agencies.

5. I noticed none of the agencies this bill refers to were submitting, so I thought I would have a go!!

6. These opinions are entirely my own.

7. To make sure these opinions are entirely my own I am wearing MY SPECIAL HAT.

8. I live in the basement of an office building on Aitken Street. They tell me I am safe here.

9. I am the guy who was in charge of INTERPRETING THE LAW to decide whether or not it was legal for the GCSB to spy on New Zealanders.

10. Previous relevant work also includes INTERPRETING THE LAW to decide whether it was legal for police to put video cameras on people's land without their permission (which was TOTALLY LEGAL) and also negotiating a peace treaty between the New Zealand Crown and the Gnome People Who Live Under My Bunk.

11. I support these bills.

12. So it's not just that one guy. There is also me!!!


13. Sometimes legislation talks to me.

14. Section 14 of the GCSB Act (2003) states:

Interceptions not to target domestic communications Neither the Director, nor an employee of the Bureau, nor a person acting on behalf of the Bureau may authorise or take any action for the purpose of intercepting the communications of a person (not being a foreign organisation or a foreign person) who is a New Zealand citizen or a permanent resident.
15. This law is CONFUSING!!! 16. It is CONFUSING because it seems to say it is NOT LEGAL for the GCSB to do something that it actually WOULD LIKE TO DO!!!!

17. ORDINARY MORTALS might think that it means the GCSB is never allowed to spy on New Zealanders.

18. But that is just the SURFACE MEANING!!!

19. I am the keeper of a HIDDEN MEANING of the GCSB Act (2003).

20. The reading of hidden meaning was rediscovered and perfected in EGYPT by the KNIGHTS TEMPLAR.

21. I like to tape acts of parliament the WALL and HIT MY HEAD AGAINST THEM and then have a little SLEEP.

22. ONLY THEN did the GCSB Act (2003) come to me in a dream and tell me its HIDDEN MEANING.

23. This HIDDEN MEANING of "Neither the Director, nor an employee of the Bureau, nor a person acting on behalf of the Bureau may authorise or take any action for the purpose of intercepting the communications of a person (not being a foreign organisation or a foreign person) who is a New Zealand citizen or a permanent resident." is that the GCSB is SOMETIMES ALLOWED to spy on New Zealanders.

24. So anyone who claims this bill is giving the spies extra powers for breaking the law, well they were not breaking the law they were COMPLYING WITH THE LAW'S HIDDEN MEANING.

25. These SOMETIMES ALLOWED cases include when the GCSB is assisting another agency that IS allowed to spy on New Zealanders.

26. All of us here genuinely think that is ARGUABLY LEGAL!!!!!

27. As long as you have to actually argue it, legally.

28. But that DOESN'T COUNT anyway because as the Urewera Video case show the courts CLEARLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT INTERPRETING THE LAW.

29. And unless it's KIM DOTCOM, which we admitted WAS NOT LEGAL.

30. And also ignore that bit in the Dotcom affidavits where the GCSB tells the police they know they are NOT ALLOWED to spy on New Zealanders.


32. But it MADE ME ANGRY and now they will NOT LET ME HAVE A PEN!!!!!!

33. Also, intercepting METADATA is not the same as intercepting COMMUNICATIONS.

34. METADATA is like COMMUNICATIONS, except it only includes WHO you are talking to, WHEN you said it, WHERE you said it, and sometimes WHAT you were talking about.

35. Like looking at people's EMAIL LOGS.

36. That's NOT THE SAME as being spied on AT ALL!!!!!!!

37. Just ask Peter Dunne!!!!!!!!

38. The GCSB doing that is ARGUABLY LEGAL.

39. I even READ THE HANSARD from 2003 and they all said sentences that meant the GCSB was not allowed to spy on New Zealanders but during his speech Keith Locke turned to me and said "NIGEL ONLY YOU ARE WISE ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS ARGUABLY LEGAL!!!!!!!!"

40. It's like a CODE only I can READ.

41. The GCSB UNDERSTANDS about CODES!!!!!!!

42. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my superiors and members of the security agencies for accepting my interpretation of laws NO MATTER HOW CONVENIENT IT IS FOR THEM to do so.


43. The bills before the Committee are a CLARIFICATION of the currently law.

44. It will make the law so clear that the LIGHT OF TRUTH will shine through it with the POWER OF ONE THOUSAND SUNS.

45. And LIKE THE SUN'S SOLAR ENERGY is transformed by human effort to sustain life in manifold ways, I will be able to make ANYTHING I WANT of the proposed bill.

46. YAY!!!!!!!!

47. These bills must be passed URGENTLY because thinking about things clouds the mind to HIDDEN MEANINGS.

48. Anyone who says it is not URGENT or wondering what the reason is we need to pass the bills AT ALL will not be saying that WHEN ALL THEIR CHILDREN ARE NIBBLED TO DEATH BY THE GNOMES!!!!!!!

49. International examples such as the NSA building a gigantic data centre in the Arizona desert and the Metropolitan Police spying on police corruption critics suggest TRUST US EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE!!!!!

50. And just quietly, the new law might actually make the NSA and GCHQ and everyone A BIT JEALOUS!!!!!!!!

51. I have no amendments to suggest.

52. What words you write does not matter.

53. The HIDDEN MEANING matters!!!!!!!!!!

54. I INVITE THE COMMITTEE to take a few moments to IMAGINE WHAT SOMEONE LIKE ME WILL BE ABLE TO COME UP WITH from a law that ACTUALLY SAYS we are allowed to spy on New Zealanders and gives a LIST OF EXCUSES we can use for doing so!!!!!!!!!!

55. YAY!!!!!!!!!!

56. I am looking forward to INTERPRETING the new GCSB legislation. I am sure the new law and I will be VERY GOOD FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Labels: , , , , , ,

Lyndon Hood - me neither, Wellington

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Werewolf: From The Hood – Plot, Mega-Plot

Kim Dotcom took another spoonful of breakfast and decided it was time to start the day.

“Hey, computer: news!”

Yes, Mr Dotcom. a smooth computer-generated female voice replied.

The holo-projector promptly displayed a personalised selection of current reportage in the air above the bed. It took a moment for the lead story to register. Dotcom smiled grimly.

“Another one bites the dust,” he murmured. It was actually quite spectacular. He reflected that while he had badly wounded or at least embarrassed several of his opponents – the Prime Minister, the Deputy Prime Minister, the Police, the GCSB, the NSA, that singer/songwriter girl off The X Factor – the only really complete revenge he had managed up to the point was against Aaron Gilmore. And that was only over something disparaging Gilmore had said on Facebook and which, on reflection, Dotcom wasn’t even sure anyone else had noticed. Otherwise, slow progress.

Still, that was all in accordance with The Plan… More>>

From Werewolf 40, which also has Kim Dotcom interviews and such.

Labels: , , , ,